Don't Trip On Your Ship
by FrozenInsideTheWinter
Summary: What will happen to the "big happy family" of Regina, Hook, Cora, Emma, Belle, Gold, and Henry when Snow has the bright idea to go on a boat trip that turns into an exploration of an unknown island? New ships will be sailed or sunk, rival fangirls will fight, and Hook will continue to hit on Regina/everyone else. Crack-fic. *HookedQueen, Snowing,HookedHeart, and a tint of Rumbelle*
1. Chapter 1: Can't Fight It

"Sooooo, Cora... How have you been, love?" Hook asked hesitantly, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet and giving her puppy eyes so that she wouldn't kill him. Nobody knew that he had the smallest crush on her… except maybe Cora herself.

She gave him a sickly sweet smile. "The only thing your gonna be _loving_ is when my magical fist connects with your face, Hook."

His expression resembled an :O at that comment and after 20 minutes he started singing to pass the time on the docks, trying to impress Cora with his angelic voice.

"CAN'T FIGHT THE MOONLIGHT! NOOOOO! YOU CAN'T FIGHT IT!" The song was accompanied by girly body movements that made him flail his arms.

"Hook! Stop that horrid noise at once," Cora snapped, staring at his strange display of behavior. His eyes got huge and watery before he sang quietly, "It's gonna get to your heeeeeart…"

Cora facepalmed. This would be the last time that she showed up early for family meetings.

Emma, Regina, Henry, Gold, Belle, Charming, and Snow had agreed to meet them at the docks to go on a boat trip to bring them all together. Snow's stupidity was what she had to give thanks to for this one. Cora had not thought Hook would be there early as well. Next time she should be late.

Just then, the rest of the screwed up family appeared with their suitcases and Snow with her white floppy foam visor with a bluebird on the front. When they reached them, Cora and Hook both stared at her cheap fashion choice in terror.

"What?" Snow said defensively. Apparently Regina had only just noticed Snow's horrid accessory, and burst into tears.

"IT'S A CRIME!," she screamed, "IT'S A CRIIIIIIIIME!"

Everybody stared at her, and Emma went over to help Regina off the dock floor that she had collapsed on in anguish. Gold just flipped Regina the finger and a "sudden" wind knocked the visor into the ocean. Snow screamed and ran after it and off the dock, falling quite humorously into the sea.

"Nooooo, Carrie, NOOOOO!" she yelled, everyone watching as she bobbed quickly after the visor, arms flailing widly.

Cora rolled her eyes and magicked Snow back onto the dock, visor in hand.

Snow huffed a thanks and fixed the foam accessory back onto her head in ridiculous happiness.

Regina walked by her with narrowed eyes.

"I can't look at you, you poor, poor person."

Snow grabbed her arm, "Excuse me?!"

"YOU HEARD RIGHT, JEZEBEL!"

"OH YEAH? LETS GO, CROWSFEET!"

They broke into fighting stances, "PWT!" Regina yelled. Cora high-fived Regina.

"MAN-STEALER!"

"WARTBAG!"

"BOUTOXONATOR!"

"DOUCHIE DOUCHE!"

"ARMPIT FUR!"

"THAT'S IT! BRING IT ON, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" Regina roared doing a full on body slam onto Snow.

They rolled on the ground tugging each-others hair out and having white girl claw fights, and the incest shippers cheered with their black and white pompoms in the corner.

Charming and Emma had to pull the screaming women apart before Regina could summon a fireball into her hand and Snow bit the woman's ear off. They calmed and everyone turned away from them and gave each-other proper greetings and making small talk. They heard yelling once again and turned around to see that Regina was about to do a WWE move that she currently had Snow on her shoulders for and was stumbling backwards.

"Now lets see if you head is as thick as I think it is!" Regina rumbled. Snow tugged Regina's hair in terror so hard that a significant tuft came out in her hand.

"OWWWW!" Rregina yelled.

"STOP IT, YOU PRUNES!" Emma yelled, and Regina huffed and Snow scrambled off of her, laughing at the Mayor's missing patch of hair.

When the two women finally calmed (again) Regina and Snow had a stare down that ended in Regina putting two fingers to her eyes and then to Snow's in an 'I'm watching you' gesture. Everybody got onto the boat silently, wondering how they never noticed that their family was so shitty. They fell into an awkward silence on the deck of the ship.

"Noooo, you can't fight it…." Hook sang quietly.

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_**Hey guys! So that was the first chapter! XD I hope you liked it. Sorry it's so short, I'll try to make the other ones longer.**_


	2. Chapter 2: What's In The Hand

The family had not been sailing for 12 hours before they came across a large tropical island. Hook's eyes lit up and he stood on top of the boat platform with one hand on his hip dramatically.

"Land ahead!" he yelled.

"No shit Sherlock," Gold muttered under his breath.

Cora had finally turned around from where she was puking off the side of the ship to look at her beloved land form.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I CAN FINALLY HAVE MY OWN PALACE!" She yelled, and walked towards the middle of the ship, raising her head dramatically.

"I can finally have my own palace… and finally become…" She turned her head slowly to look at Regina, who was staring at her like she had two heads.

"Become what, mother?"

She very slowly walked over to Regina so that she was looking down at her, and their foreheads were touching and they each had one eye. Regina's 'eye' widened comically.

"A CYCLOPS! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Cora pulled away, her fingers forming claw shapes and drool spilled out the side of her mouth.

"MOTHER! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!" Regina yelled while she tried to pick the other woman off the deck, who was laughing maniacally.

"DON'T SCOLD ME, WOMAN! YOU CAME OUT OF MY OWN VAGINA!"

Gold tried to contain it, God only knew he tried to contain it, but before he knew it he had blew chunks all over Regina.

"NOOOOOO!" everyone but Regina screamed in unison. He swore he saw Regina's mouth turn downward in a perfect sideways parentheses the moment his dinner hit her face. Her lip trembled dangerously next to a spaghetti noodle.

A videogame 'Rage' sign suddenly appeared above her head and Cora flashed him a perfect smile from behind Regina.

Henry and Belle watched from the back of the ship, shaking their heads in disapproval while tumblering what had just happened.

As soon as they had docked at the island, a woman with long red hair regarded them.

"Friends! Please come to our village! You are always welcome."

"Do I know you?" Regina, who was now magically clean, asked.

The atmosphere around the woman seemed to darken at the side of Regina.

"No, no you don't…"

Nobody else noticed, however, and Cora's eyes widened at the woman's rudeness.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL US FRIENDS! BOW BEFORE ME, PEASANT!"

Emma inched closer to Cora, "Don't screw this up Cora, or we'll be on the first ship to nowhereland and you will have… no… palace," she whispered.

"No palace?" Cora whispered back, her lip trembling.

"No palace…"

"ANYWAY!" the redhead announced loudly, "Follow me."

As soon as they got to the village, they were greeted and cheered on through it by random women, and Hook flirtatiously swiveled his hips.

"Ew, Hook," Emma complained.

"Hey, I can't help it I'm sexy."

Emma rolled her eyes and watched out of the corner of her eye as a woman snatched Snow's visor off her head, throwing it into the ocean. Snow sprinted after it, and Charming ran after her, catching her foot and bringing them both down.

A loud shriek brought everyone's attention to Belle, however, who was struggling in Gold arms.

"BUT HONEY! BOOKS! THERE'S BOOKS IN THERE!"

"Honey calm down-"

"BOOKS!"

Gold was getting weighed down, for Belle was much heavier than her thought.

"Jesus Christ woman, what have you been eating?!" Belle suddenly let loose some belly jelly he didn't know she had and a button flew off her sailor pants in a perfect arch, hitting Emma square in the eye.

"OWWW! WHAT THE FUCK BELLE!" She held her eye and stumbled about before running into a tree and a coconut fell onto her head.

Belle finally calmed down as Gold let go and she hauled ass with Henry into the library.

Meanwhile, Cora had assembled a small group of villagers and was drawing plans for a castle on a whiteboard for them to see. Hook was pissed. They should be fawning over him, not Cora!

He ran towards them and tore the whiteboard down when Cora yelled, "I WILL HAVE MY PALACE!"

"ENOUGH ABOUT THE GODDAMN PALACE! YOU CAN WISH IN ONE HAND AND SHIT IN THE OTHER AND SEE WHICH ONE GETS FULL FIRST!"

Cora huffed and her face turned red, but Emma intercepted before she could hurt Hook.

"Cora! Hook! That's enough!"

Cora raised her fists, which had boxing tape around them, "YOU WANNA GO BLONDIE?! HUH?! HUH?!"

Hook snapped a photo on his phone, this was sooooooo going on Tumblr.

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_**Hope you guys liked that chapter. ;) So if any of you read my other story, The Worst Year And The Best, I put a certain character back in and you can hope to see a confrontation there. :) Thanks!**_


	3. Chapter 3: Hooked

**Sorry I took so long to update guys, I had to finish school up and I've been pretty busy. DX But now I have all summer to update. You should be happy. You are becoming happy. You are happy. :)**

"Alright, so there you go!" Ariel declared. She and a few other girls had finished helping the family set up camp in the village.

"Apart from our village, we don't know what's on the rest of the island. We're new here too, but a lot of us girls are young, and the only survivor skill they know is calling 911 off their phone. I'm too afraid about the others getting hurt. This island is off the radar, you know, so we have to be careful." Her last word was high pitched and she leaned in as if hinting at something.

"So you want us to go exploring _for_ you?" Snow asked.

"Exactly," the redhead said, crossing her arms.

"What did one coffin say to another coffin?" Regina asked suddenly.

"What?" Emma asked.

"ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION!"

"Alright, Alright! Geez, um I dunno."

"Is that you coughin'?" Regina's face had a bored emo expression on it while everyone else's faces looked like O.o .

Henry patted her on the back, "Mom specializes in dark humor," he explained.

"I see…" Ariel said after a while.

"Well! It seems like my work here is done. If you need anything feel free to call me," with that she walked away.

"Emma, why did the blonde play hide and seek?" Regina's face cracked a smile at this one.

Emma sighed, "I don't know why."

"To try and find her brain cell."

Emma scowled, "Hey Regina?"

"Yes?"

"What's black and blue and in a ditch?"

Regina marveled at this, the answer not surfacing.

"I do not know."

"A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes."

Regina glared at her.

Cora popped up beside her, "OOOH BURN!"

"Are you threatening me Ms. Swan?" Regina asked, offended and standing up.

"Maybe," Emma smirked.

Hook ran in front of them, "Hey luvs, lighten up will ye? We're here for a bit of fun," He pulled Regina in close for good measure.

"Get off me, you disgusting man-whore," she sneered, pushing him backwards. She walked away towards the end of camp.

A puzzled Hook turned around to face Emma, "Why is it so hard to make a move on the Mills women?"

Emma shrugged. She froze, Mills_ women? Regina was right, he was a man-whore._

"Yes, I know what you're thinking Emma," Cora waggled her eyebrows comically, "We had one night together. That is all."

Emma was flabbergasted, "One night together?! He's half your age!"

"What can I say? I still got it."

Emma's jaw hit the floor in pure disgust, what did she get herself into?

* * *

Regina walked through the brush, trying to find Ariel. She was the one who killed Daniel (the second time), she was sure. She hadn't told anyone about it because they would get in her way, but this time she was going exact her revenge.

To her surprise, she found the woman waiting for her in a small brush cleared area.

"Well, well, well. Look who it is! I had thought you would recognize me sooner. Guess you weren't as sharp as I thought."

Regina narrowed her eyes and summoned a fireball into her hand.

Ariel's eyes suddenly started to water as her personality changed. Regina remembered very clearly her split personality. Ariel started to run in circles, flailing her arms and screaming.

"Please please PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I'm sorry okay!? IM SO SORRY! DON'T KILLS ME! I BEGS YOUUUUUUUUUU! AAAAHHHAHAHAHAHA!"

The family burst through the trees at the sound of the screaming.

"Regina? What are you… doing…" Snow's breath caught at the sight of their guide, who was kneeling in front of Regina with giant eyes and praying hands, corpuscles bursting from her head.

Regina laughed, looking down at the girl.

"That serves you right, you bitchy pansy. From now on, you are to be my mother and I's personal servant as long as we are here. You got it?"

Ariel nodded quickly.

"Good."

"Regina! What the hell!?" Emma squawled.

"She killed Daniel. Again. She will pay the price."

Everyone got confused.

"I'll explain later."

* * *

When everyone got back to the beach-village it was almost dark. Everyone said their goodnights and went off to bed. Regina was sleeping soundly when felt something cold and sharp tapping against her shoulder.

She looked up and the first thing she saw was Hook. She jumped and Hook swore he saw all of her hair get spiked upwards.

"AAAAAAGH! What the hell Hook?! This is not a good time."

"I scared of sleeping alone Regina. And I'm sure you're cold." He gave her the puppy dog eyes.

"Hook, that is the WORST pick-up line in the entire galaxy."

"But it worked didn't it?" He said with a smile as she sat up. She magicked a big vase out of nowhere and smashed him over the head with it, effectively knocking him out.

"I don't think it did."


	4. Chapter 4: Rivals

**Hello again. Sorry once more for my lack of updating, moving's a bitch. DX But I hope you like this ****chapter! :)**

* * *

Snow woke up to the sound of girls fighting. She got up and went outside timidly to see what was going on.

"No, Snow Queen is the best ship ever!" A group of girls dressed in black and white with pompoms were yelling.

"No, Swan Queen is the best!" girls dressed in yellow and black yelled back.

"Snow Queen!"

"Swan Queen!"

"Snow Queen!"

"Swan Queen!"

"Snow Queen!"

"Swan Queen!"

"Enough!" Snow yelled. Everyone turned to look at her silently.

"What's all this about? Ships?"

"Yeah, but these Snow Queen shippers just won't admit that we're the better ship," A pretty blond Swan Queener said.

Mary Margaret had got into tumblr with Ruby, and she knew that everybody shipped everybody. She grew horrified with realization.

"Snow Queen as in... Me and Regina?..."

"Yep!"

"WHATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Snow jumped so high in the air nobody knew it was possible, "WHAT THE HELL THATS SO GROSS EW I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU RUINED MY LIFE DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING YOU WEIRDO INCEST FANTISIZERS WHAT THE HELL WHYYYYYYYY!?"

She landed back down and chased screaming Snow Queeners all over camp with pocket knives.

Regina stood and watched from afar, "She didn't have to be so rude about it..."

* * *

Emma woke at around noon to Regina slapping her in the face repeatedly.

"Wake up, you idiot!"

She squinted just as the woman's hand came into contact with her face again. And again. And again.

"Jesus Regina, stop it!"

Regina frowned, "It's lunch time, and you're still in bed. Is this what you've been teaching my son? To sleep in until everyone else goes back to sleep? Huh? Huh?" she pressed.

Emma stared at her. What was her problem?

"Look lady, I don't-"

SLAP!

"REGINA!"

"WHAT?"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"YOU ARE WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME, YOU LAZY SLOTH! EVERYONE IS SUPPOSED TO WAKE UP AT 9:30 OR EARLIER! THOSE ARE MY ORDERS!"

"LISTEN TO ME YOU CONTROLLING CRAZY BITCH! I AIN'T GETTING UP!" Emma yelled.

Regina stared at her for a second before nodding and slowly turning her back to her, "Okay, okay."

Emma sighed in relief before Regina quickly magicked a pillow into her hands and started hitting Emma in face with it repeatedly.

"OW! OUCH! REGINA! STOP IT!"

Regina was laughing like a crazy person while Henry came in, surprisingly able to drag the woman, currently foaming at the mouth, back to the entrance of the tent.

"Sorry," Henry yelled quickly, "She hasn't had her medication today."

Emma watched in horror as he drug the woman back to her own tent, who was still looking like she had rabies.

_Why me?_

* * *

Emma reluctantly came out of her tent an hour later with bruises all over her face and a black eye caked with makeup. Snow ran up to her with her best imitation of a fish face.

"Dear what happened?"

"Regina took it upon herself to be my new alarm clock."

Snow put a hand to her chest, "GASP!"

Emma rolled her eyes in irritation, "Mom it's fine! Just let me deal with her."

"No! She needs to apologize!" she marched towards Regina's tent.

"UGGHH! MOOOM!"

* * *

"Apologize."

"No."

"Apologize."

"No."

"APOLOGIZE!" Snow yelled.

"There is no way I am apologizing for something that was completely deserved."

Emma's jaw dropped, "Regina! I was asleep!"

"I know that dear but you had it coming. I hadn't taken medication and I hate you. Nuff said," she told her evenly, examining her nails.

"Regina, apologize to my daughter right now."

"MAKE ME, SNOW FRIGHT!"

"REGINA PILLS!"

"FAIRY PUKE!"

"DINOSAUR!"

The two women charged at each-other head first and then fell to the ground unconscious.

Emma blinked, "Well that went well."

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**I hope you liked that chapter! XD I think it was one of the more funny chapters out of the four so far. Ill update soon!**


	5. Chapter 5: Series Of Unfortunate Events

**Okay**,** the next chapter is up. Enjoy! :)**

* * *

"Okay, my Charming family. We're going to go exploring today," Charming told the bunch, holding Snow's hand. They had called everyone to the beach with Ariel's help, and were intent to make this the most exciting trip possible.

"And who put you in charge?" Regina snarled from the front of the family.

"WE DID!" Snow yelled defensively before seeing a seagull that flew down to her level.

"BIRDY!" She chased after it, but it flew too high and she fell face first in the sand.

"Birdy's gone..." she sobbed as Charming picked her up, "BIRDY'S GONE! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Cora slapped her, "Oh shut up, pixie poo," she turned to David with a questioning look, "Why?"

* * *

The bunch walked through the trees warily, ready for any sign of danger. But Belle soon realized Hook and Charming were missing.

"Hey, guys. The captain and prince are not here." Everyone turned around and started looking for the two in frustration. Just then the pair came out of the trees dressed in gold chains, white T-shirts, yellow hats and baggy pants.

"WASAAAAAAAP!" David yelled, strolling over.

Hook stayed where he was while he received the evil eye from the entire family.

He put his hand up in a peace gesture, "Yo."

He walked over to Cora, "Can you dig it?"

"What?"

"Can you dig it?"

She smirked, "Okay."

And with a poof he was suddenly in a shoulder deep hole in the ground.

"Cora!"

"What? You asked me if I could dig it."

"That's not what I meant, love."

"Well that's too bad, you urinated snowball," she patted his yellow hat, "Next time choose some different wording. We'll come and get you on the way back."

"The way back?!" he spluttered.

The family stalked away and snickered while Hook attempted to thrash around.

"CORAAAAAAAAA!"

* * *

The family continued to walk peacefully until they heard a loud whimper behind them. They turned to see Henry stuck in quicksand.

Regina, Emma, and Snow all leapt into the air at once and Regina poofed purple capes on them all.

"WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, HENRY!"

"What the hell?" Gold whispered.

Henry suddenly disappeared and the two women turned to see Regina standing next to an already-cleaned-off Henry.

"Not fair, Regina," Emma pouted.

"Oh, suck it up. I gave you a cape, what else do you need?"

"I NEED you to stop being such a hog when it comes to OUR son."

Regina raised her hand shaped like a puppet made it mouth the words Emma was saying.

"REGINA I'M SERIOUS!"

She smirked, "And I'm not."

"REGINA!" Emma's face had turned red while everyone watched the two with tension.

Regina rolled her eyes, "Meh, meh meh meh, meh!"

Emma charged at Regina, and the brunette high tailed it out of there. Soon enough Emma realized she didn't know where Regina was anymore and sat down on a nearby log to enjoy some peace and quiet.

Suddenly Regina's face was upside-down in front of her own.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

The Mayor laughed, "I'm over here, moron."

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**I hope that was entertaining. XD If anyone has any ideas for a chapter, please let me know!**


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